Touch of class - or all present and incorrect
Registry on the first day back at school in ENGLAND, the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri? "Here
"Achmed El Kabul? "Here
"Fatima Al Hayek? "Here"
Ali Abdul Olmi? "Here”
"Mohammed Bin Kadir? "Here
Ali Son al En - silence in the classroom
Ali Son al En - continued silence as everyone looked around the room. The teacher repeated the call. At last a girl hesitantly stood up and said, "Sorry, teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen."
Irish stewed: Let’s make that a triple
On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
"What's it for?" asked Paddy.
"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids", said the barman.
Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."
“YOUR glass is empty, o’Flaherty, will you be having another?”
“And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?” replied o’Flaherty.
Contributed by Irit Orr
MURPHY arrived home late from the pub, well-oiled and ready for trouble. “Is that you Murphy?” called his wife.
“It damned well better be!”
Wife: “I wish I was a newspaper. So I'd be in your hands all day.”
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman: "Which book has helped you most in your life?" The woman, innocently, replied, "My husband's check book."
A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, 'Husband – the Master of the House'?
Sales Girl: "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor".
Husband’s daily reminder for his wife
Next day he says, "Today is a fine day."
Again next day, he says the same thing, "Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband, "Since last week, you have been saying; Today is a fine day. I am fed up. What's the matter?"
Husband: "Last week when we had an argument, you said, I will leave you one fine day. I was just trying to remind you."
This rose has quite a prickle
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy)
Last week, I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.