Illustation by Denis Shifrin

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping" (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.  Details inside."  (The shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost" (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well… duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (…and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body" (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boots children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."  (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness" (and…I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only" (as opposed to…what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use" (now, somebody out there, help me on this, I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts" (talk about news flash).

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (step 3: maybe, uh… fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." I don't blame the company.  I blame the parents for this one.

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands of genitals" (…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Ever wonder…

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lotters"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't a mouse-flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

Adult

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

 

Beauty parlor

A place where women curl up and dye

 

Cannibal

Someone who is fed up with people

 

Chickens

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

 

Committee

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

 

Skeleton

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off

 

Tomorrow

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

 

Wrinkles

Something other people have.  You have character lines

 

Submitted by Lawrence Freedman 

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Jennia Ganit Chodorov

Jennia, who introduced the Humor Page in the Esra Magazine 14 years ago, also initiated Tolerance Education projects in the Sharon area and served as Chairperson in 1997. After developing export ma...
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