Did you know that before the Internet, people had thoughts they didn’t need to share with everyone?
The best desk at the office is the one where nobody can see your computer screen.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in…
Oh how a pack of 800 toothpicks looks so small until it’s all over the floor.
No comment means I agree with the one that will get me in trouble.
There needs to be an app that deletes my membership right before my free trials run out.
What if the meaning of life is written in the terms and conditions, and no one would ever know because no one reads it?
I love the power of the disapproving headshake.
I love to shower at the end of the day but I don’t want the work that comes with it. Like standing for 10 minutes.
The best savings account known to man is the pockets in your winter jackets.
How much better would the world be if a liar’s pants really did catch on fire?
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
I was visiting my son the other night when I asked him if I could borrow a newspaper. Dad, this is the 21st century, he said. I don’t waste money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad. I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.
By Adam Smargon
I don’t understand this new wave of incredibly good looking vampires. How can they do their hair and makeup so well when they can’t see themselves in the mirror?
Quoted from Mark Trenwith
The young father took a seat on the bus next to an elderly man and plopped his one-year old on his lap, just as the little boy began to cry and fidget. That child is spoiled, isn’t he? the old man remarked. No, said the dad. They all smell that way.
By Robert Howe
Great quotes by women
Success didn’t spoil me; I'have always been insufferable. There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death.
– Fran Leibowitz
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. Logic is in the eye of the logician.
– Gloria Steinem
The future isn’t what it used to be. I wish Sinatra would just shut up and sing.
– Lauren Bacall
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
– Phyllis Diller
I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. He who hesitates is a damned fool.
Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. I’m a great housekeeper. After every husband, I keep the house.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.
– Golda Meir
He who laughs,lasts.
–Mary P. Poole