Illustration by Denis Shifrin
Dog’s life is a kvetch
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, “My dog has a problem.”
Dr. Saul says, “So, tell me about the dog and the problem.”
“It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk,” says Morty.
“He can talk?” the doubting doctor asks.
“Watch this!” Morty points to the dog and commands: “Seth, Fetch!”
Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, “So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I’m nothing. And you only call me when you want something.
“And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it’s a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!
“And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it’s out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much. I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!”
Dr. Saul is amazed, “This is remarkable! So, what’s the problem?”
Morty says, “He has a hearing problem! I said ‘Fetch!’ not ‘Kvetch!’’’
An exercise with sacks appeal
Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends.
The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then ... 50-lb potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful.
Kindly submitted by Anna Paikow
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo.”
The man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”
If you don’t want an answer, then don’t ask
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.
“You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
“Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.”
You’re getting old when . . .
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
OMG! I have finally discovered what is wrong with my brain – on the right side there is nothing left and on the left side – there is nothing right!
Thanks to Milton Franks for his contribution