Illustration: Denis Shifrin
If you love words you’ll love these
“Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. Here are this year's winning submissions:
... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... The batteries were given out free of charge.
... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
... A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
Young couple lucky in love . . .
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "On our allowance Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed that Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
Don’t mensch-on it
In a one-synagogue town, brothers Louie and Bernard embarrassed the Jewish community. Their business practices were ruthless, and socially speaking they were downright wicked. Worst of all, they whitewashed their sins with large contributions to the needy temple. Eventually the town's Jews were turned off by the hypocrisy, and membership dwindled. Then the old rabbi died and a sharp, energetic rabbi took his place. He invigorated the prayer services with upbeat melodies, challenged his congregants to think deeply, and solicited their creativity for further initiatives.
He also spoke truth to power, telling Louie and Bernard they would not be welcome at services until they changed their ways. The brothers disappeared and membership swelled.
A new building was soon needed, but no one else in the town had much money. The campaign would take years. Then Louie died. Bernard approached the new rabbi.
"Rabbi, I'll pay for the new building - all of it - if you'll just speak at the funeral and say Louie was a mensch." The rabbi thought about it for a while, and took the check.
The funeral was huge. Everyone showed up to see if the rabbi would really lie in order to fund the building. They all leaned forward as the rabbi grimly took the pulpit.
"My friends, we're here today to bury a man who lived in this community for 70 years. What shall we say about him? Was he a kind man? Was he a good man? In truth, he cheated in business, he cheated on his taxes, he cheated on his wife and he cheated at cards. But compared to his brother, he was a mensch!"
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up - we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to synagogue doesn't make you Jewish, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
With thanks to contributions by Milton Franks