A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. ”Oh my, I am so sorry, “the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to eight full hours.
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers, and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip-off other drivers.
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person.”
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share his/her life stories with total strangers in elevators.
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Have you seen the curves on that chassis? The car looks good, too
An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde. I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price, said the man. Yet I just heard that you closed the deal for $65,000 with that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model. Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist? Replied the grinning salesman. Just then the young woman approached the aged couple and gave them the keys. There you go, she said. I told you I would get the dope to reduce it. See you later, Grandpa.
If you want to cut it in Mow town . . .
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded
up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde.
"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."