Still Bobbing along: Hope’s one liners - A tribute in quotes to the quintessential American funnyman

On turning 70:  I still chase women, but only downhill. 

On turning 80:  That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing. 

On turning 90:  You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. 

On turning 100:  I don't feel old. in fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. then it’s time for my nap. 

On never winning an Oscar:  Welcome to the academy awards, or, as it’s called at my home, Passover. 

On presidents:  I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.

On why he chose showbiz for his career: “When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

  Bob Hope in 1978

On receiving the Congressional Gold Medal: I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

On his family's early poverty: Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

On his six brothers: That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.

On going to heaven: I’ve done benefits for all religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.  

 

Man who’s reached his ‘cell bye’ date 

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man.  I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.  I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool and the library.  I was working on my MBA online.  I had no bills and no debts.  I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened?  Drugs?  Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.  "I got out of prison."

Submitted by Milton Franks 

 

Step this way and you’ll feel a lot healthier
  • Walking can add minutes to your life!
  • This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at NIS10,000 per month. 
  • I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  • The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
  • I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
  • I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you actually have to go there.
  • Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
  • The advantage of exercising every day is so that when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good, doesn't she?'
  • If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.  
  • I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years … just getting over the hill.
  • We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Submitted by Rafi Sofer

 

AN IRISHMAN walked into a Dublin bar, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the pub taking a sip out of each in turn. When finished, he ordered three more. The bartender said: “a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replied: “I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank tog’ther. So I drink one for each of me brothers and one for me self.” the bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition.  

The Irishman became a regular and always drank the same way. One day, he ordered two pints. The other regulars took notice and fell silent. When he came to order a second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” the Irishman looked puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine, he explained. “My wife had us join that Baptist church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

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About the author

Jennia Ganit Chodorov

Jennia, who introduced the Humor Page in the Esra Magazine 14 years ago, also initiated Tolerance Education projects in the Sharon area and served as Chairperson in 1997. After developing export ma...
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