Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favorite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula. "Don't touch!" she commanded. "They're for the funeral."
Most of the cooking in our house is done by my husband, but occasionally I get to make dinner. One day it dawned on me that our four-year-old daughter was willing to help me, but not her father, in the kitchen. I asked her why. "Well, Mom," she replied, "Dad seems to know what he's doing."
Two elderly couples were walking down the street, the women a couple of meters ahead of the men. One man told the other that they'd had a wonderful meal the night before - great food, reasonably priced. His friend asked for the name of the restaurant. "Well, I'll need your help on this. Let's see, there's a flower that smells great and has thorns on the stem?" "That would be a rose," his friend responded. "That's it!" the man replied. Then he shouted to his wife: "Hey, Rose! What's the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
One afternoon my two daughters were fighting over a toy when I heard a piercing scream. “Mom!” yelled three-year-old Nicole, “Rebecca hurt her hand!” I hurried over and asked where she had hurt it. “In my mouth,” stated Nicole.
Actors and Acting
"You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves." Michael Wilding
"Acting is the most minor of gifts. After all, Shirley Temple could do it when she was four." Katherine Hepburn
"Acting has never done anything for me except encourage my vanity and provoke my arrogance." Candice Bergen
"Acting has been described as farting about in disguise." Peter O’Toole
"The art of acting lies in keeping people from coughing." Ralph Richardson
"Disney, of course, has the best casting. If he doesn’t like an actor, he just tears him up." Alfred Hitchcock
"An actress is more than a woman, but an actor is less than a man." Meryl Streep
"The scenery of the play was beautiful, but the actors got in front of it." Alexander Woollcott
I wish I could Google things like “will these shoes ever become comfortable or should I just throw them out now?”
Everyone has that “make the other person sound incredibly stupid” voice when describing an argument.
I will never go bungee jumping. A rubber breaking was the reason I was born; it sure as heck isn’t going to be the reason that I die.
Change is good as long as I don’t have to do anything different.
Didn’t run into anyone I know today. Well then, I guess that means I can wear the exact same outfit again tomorrow.
It’s amazing how much I can get done in the hour and a half before I’m expecting someone over.
When I am evaluating a picture we took together and say, “Yeah, it looks good,” that has nothing to do with how you look. It has everything to do with how I look. Honestly, when looking at the picture, I actually forget you were in it with me.
I only say “that makes sense,” because I refuse to say “you are right.”
I’m not the most creative person, but when it comes to rationalizing doing something that’s bad for me, my imagination knows no limits.